I would like to extend my gratitude to Barbara Franken for the invitation to be part of the February Challenge…Inspiring Others By Our Own Awakening Experience
Barbara asked each of us who is participating to share our awakening experiences.
Since I was not in on the first part of the challenge, I will share a brief story of my journey to greater freedom and self-realization, along with where I find myself now as a result, which is what this collaborative effort by all who participate in, involves.
Barbara will be sharing each of the 33 posts together in a free E-Book to inspire others to resonate with the natural awakening of all humankind that is happening now.
My Awakening Experience:
First off I would like to share that I believe we are constantly in spiraling cycle of “awakening”, or as I like to refer to it as, “remembering”.
I believe that this is a process that involves one to be triggered or self-prompted by their own journeys of alignment, openness, readiness, and soul missions chosen.
For me, this process seemed one that I set up without capability of escaping, unless I totally gave up, but that simply wasn’t written in the signature of my soul.
My life has been a series of experiences I either embraced and learned from or would find myself creating situations that provided no other out, but to do so in.
I can’t say that one specific time period or experience would be what I’d consider my “awakening” or ultimate “remembering”, but rather there have been several experiences that collectively have been the stepping stones to this process, which continues unfolding in ever-deepening and expanding ways.
However I do remember that as a very young child I did come in with that natural remembrance.
And like many of you, through a series of experiences, events, conditioning, and contracts to fulfill, that remembering became a confusion of inner voices that reeked havoc on my nervous system trying to make sense of it all and operate as the sensitive empath that I am.
And this then became an experience of forgetting, while trying to reclaim those authentic parts once again.
I was easily impressionable and without boundaries, as a Pisces. And so what I naturally was became the hidden part, as I tried to function and perform as others would rather prefer seeing.
And yet, those parts of my nature were impossible to fully shove away, and so these made me stand out and kept me still just out of reach of fully going unconscious, while I was just trying to get through the parts of life I HAD to like school, performing in the way that was almost like a game to me.
School was too easy. I knew how to breeze through it because of my intuition, photographic short-term memory, and ability to use both sides of my brain equally.
However, it was all I could do to get the heck out of there quickly, as inside I was dying from this boxed-in experience that didn’t support the parts of me that knew.
But as I said, it was all inevitable that I would get to this point now, it was just a matter of which way I wanted to do that… Isn’t that the choice for us all?
And while I became adept at being an observer of my life and having three voices…one on each side of a choice, and the third that oversaw it all from the bigger picture…this only made it more challenging to be with others who didn’t understand my way of thinking in so many perspectives.
And so I mostly remained silent.
As mentioned, I can’t pinpoint just one moment that was hugely opening, but there are several that stand out.
From the onset I was having incredible experiences and throughout my childhood and teens, many many spiritual experiences that were not normal to anyone I knew at the time.
This included out-of-body experiences, seeing presences in my room, prophetic and deeply symbolic and disturbing dreams for one so young who didn’t understand, telepathic incidences, knowing things without understanding why, feeling everything around me, communicating with animals, healing with my hands, voice, and dance, painting and drawing with ease at a level beyond my peers, and having a connection and longing to the stars, wishing to go back home.
It was my mother who was the trigger for both my brother and me, who started to read metaphysical and spiritual books, passing them on to us once she read them. This took place around freshmen year in high school (around 15) and once I got a hold of this material it was like something took off with a flash-forward leap.
Finally something that made sense in a world that did not.
And from there my brother and I took over and were on a fast track, reading tons of material we could get our hands on and delving into conscious conversations between us, which then extended to us teaching our parents what we learned, as we were determined to work out family dynamics along with our own.
While this made me connect to these parts of myself, it was also what made me feel even more different and not wanting to be around others, or feeling really conflicted when I was. But because I was a Pisces and easily could morph into environments and any group of people, no one was the wiser.
The inner conflict and turmoil however just continued growing, as I delved into what I knew was me, and yet was still operating in a world that I didn’t fit into unless I continued in the conditioned vein others wanted me to be in. It created a lot of emotional challenges and I would find myself crying all the time in the solitude of my dark bedroom or in the safety of the shower throughout my time in school and even beyond.
The shower became my sanctuary and place I’d go to cleanse and release, as well as work through things. It also became the place I released sadness as to what I saw around me until I later learned it all had its place and purpose that wasn’t for me to judge.
The next times I remember having big leaps were when I quit my first job, out of college, after basically burning myself out from being an over-achiever and having performance perfectionism, which led to having a physical stress breakdown and needing to do something fast.
My brother helped prompt me at this time that I needed to focus on me and nurture myself…I’d become way too fragmented inside and drained. And with having saved every penny I earned, I did just that, devoting myself completely to personal growth, delved into my writing, and started physically taking care of myself.
Things turned around, but there would continue to be layers.
A couple of years later I moved with my parents to Sedona and left everything and everyone behind. I basically lived as a hermit for two years and once again devoted myself, in the transformational energy Sedona offers, to personal growth.
I basically tore myself apart in every way, even more deeply, with self-help books, astrology, numerology, working through, releasing, and repatterning what I was capable of, came clean with all things I never told my parents about myself, daily work through revisiting everything in my past until that moment where I forgave myself and others and understood the perfection of it all, and all things in my family’s history as well, and then speaking to the first channeler ever who provided a most thorough reading on every level that supported the things I came to learn about myself during this process and more.
I was my own therapist, counselor, life coach….and it took everything within me at the time to dig deep and let the flood of healing emotions flow.
This was another milestone for me in my journey around my mid-twenties.
And from there my life just continued in devotion to this unveiling and remembering. I would never stop uncovering layers and trying to work through and gain clarity on why I was the way I was and felt the things I did.
The rest of my experiences became ones I learned through the relationships in my life…and there were many, including marriages, and by exploring a whole gamut of different jobs to explore what felt most aligned with myself and utilized my gifts.
I saw everything as a reflection and knew that you don’t escape and run away from things, but rather I was determined to be as conscious as possible, smack in the middle of it all, and play out any dynamic that was necessary, despite how that looked to outsiders.
This also became a decision of one to do without escaping through drugs and alcohol, which could easily have been a route for me as a Pisces. I never touched a cigarette or any form of mind altering drug, and still haven’t to this day, as I choose to do the work myself of opening to these experiences via my own efforts and innate powers, I believe we all have.
I did drink when I was younger, but only now and then when out to dinner or a party, but never out of control and I actually didn’t ever like it. It was one of those things that wasn’t me, but I was finding myself doing because those parts weren’t as strong yet as the conditioned ones.
I don’t drink at all anymore, and haven’t for 10 years, and never will touch any again. It doesn’t resonate with my vibration and the journey I’m on personally.
I like feeling everything…the not so fun and the fun things, as that’s my way to clarity.
My struggles weren’t seen by anyone but my family, as I was still adept at living different lives when needed, but luckily this lessened more and more over time, as I started aligning both the outside and the inside.
The next large shift occurred in my last marriage, which not only drew me to where I needed to be in terms of location, people that would be instrumental, and the most transformational experience yet, but it also was the time period that I finally and fully connected to my path, moved through past life things and karma, and made the last commitment I needed to being who I came to be, which I haven’t wavered from, hidden from, or ever had to live a dual life from again.
During this marriage I also became a Reiki Master Teacher, meeting my Teacher and life coach at the time who became my best friend that finally was like finding resonance in the world beside my rabbit, Nestor who understood me, traveled to sacred sites across the globe, began my deepest work with painting, drew in other resonating souls, and said goodbye to my rabbit and twin soul, Nestor when she left her body.
The latter being a catapulting experience in early 2008 that changed me forever, through the deepening, releasing, opening, expansion, and clarity on what I couldn’t see while she kept me comforted. A commitment like no other came through losing my twin soul, Nestor – it was based on love and a responsibility to that love for her, for myself, and for what our shared soul roles were, which she reminded me of within my heart.
All of my sacred travels were also deeply enriching, but the one I would say that had the most profound effect on my life that opened all that I’m focusing on now, was in Egypt. It is there that I retrieved my voice, my power, and my essence. It was so profound that I returned there again, just four months later.
And since this time period there has been no turning back and constant leaps in my process.
That’s not to say the road still hasn’t been challenging and filled with new adventures to test my abilities learned, and to motivate my courage a bit further.
But once I left the last marriage, lost Nestor, did all of the new levels of work to penetrate and retrieve the parts I hadn’t yet been able to on my own, and became a teacher, as well as embraced my gifts as my strengths and without doubt these were meant to be my life’s work, it’s been a game-changer.
Each part of my life has been taken to new levels through the choices and things I’ve embraced. It’s what brought me to my current relationship, although went through it’s own challenges, is in a beautiful place, enriching, and expanding place because of integrating and applying all that I learned.
Everything has been like this now, since. I’ve been able to apply things I’ve learned in ways that aren’t just about talking about and knowing concepts, but truly integrating and embodying them. This is why things have manifested and unfolded as they have because I learned my processes and understand how to work through the energies that come up.
It becomes a seamless process now after practicing it over and over.
And this is what I believe is available to us all…it’s not that you arrive at some destination without challenge. It’s that you take the things you’ve learned and start applying and working them like alchemy in your life. You come to understand your personal processes, how you self-sabotage and hide from yourself, and how to support yourself and create the way to move through them.
You become the magician and master alchemist, able to work with all of the elements to create a desired result or reality of your choosing.
Where I am Now:
And so this finds me now the freest, happiest, most clear, and empowered I’ve ever been – all of which is increasingly expanding each day. It also finds me retrieving my inner child wonder and innocence in the deepest embodiment yet, while I’ve been integrating my Earthly and Cosmic essence in a way that creates an experience of more wholeness.
My life seemed a bit backwards in comparison to others, as I was on this mission to work through my “stuff”. This made me seem older and more mature than others when I was younger and ironically I’m now a playful child once again, because of the reclaiming and remembering that has taken place, bringing me back in touch with the heart of who I am.
I am still with the same partner after these nearly eight years, have a beautiful little family of animal companions including two new bunnies that are connected with Nestor and are powerful healers, teachers, and souls too, and two cats that my partner, Dave brought to the relationship, am living in an RV as I dreamed of manifesting, we’re just starting our grand adventure across everywhere our hearts call to, I’ve achieved and shared a successful spiritual and healing arts practice, have a strong connection and good relationship with my intuition, telepathy, and clarity of heart and mind in alignment, and am currently following my heart’s greatest joy and dreams after manifesting the ability to focus solely on the creative energy wanting to channel through me.
So I am now full-time engaged in all the things I once had done when younger, or had retrieved during my life-changing explorations, but with all of me now. My focus is on creatively expressing and channeling the song of my heart through the things I love most and that speak to the essence of who I am and came to express.
I’m grateful for the ride, although it at times was tougher than I thought I could handle, nor did I want to. I wanted out many times, as I hit my personal rock bottom, but it is within those dark depths that I found myself and the light of hope within my heart once again. I am grateful that I am always being supported and watched out for from beyond this realm, that I have a beautiful powerhouse of supportive companions that came to assist me, and grateful I chose to have the fortitude of endurance and commitment that I did otherwise I wouldn’t be here still.
But it’s true what they say about only being given what we’re capable of handling. Our strength and resilience is far greater than our minds would like to think they are. And although I’ve had times of not knowing for sure if I would be hanging around for very long, since I worked through the contracts and karma, and now understand how to work through anything, I have a lot of joyous things in my life that have me the most deeply embodied than I have ever been.
This seems very timely to be sharing, as my birthday is tomorrow – 2/26 – and today completes the end of a #9 year cycle for me. So, putting closure to all of this through sharing and writing it out is a beautiful way to move forward completely with all of me.
And although it is only a summary, as I couldn’t possibly fit into this post everything unless it were a book, it feels definingly final.
I have no need to revisit the past, as my focus is in the here and now.
I will be 43 tomorrow and starting a new #1 cycle, which is fitting with my also now shifting gears in my life with new heart and soul aligned focuses that reflect who I am right now. This is the journey I am now committed to – that of walking an authentic path that expresses the innocence of my essence and to do that with total freedom where my nature is the only voice I now listen to.
And since tomorrow is my birthday I will be offline immersing in a day of self-nurturing just that, but you’ll be able to continue to explore another soul’s journey with this challenge.
The next post in this blog challenge is by Mei of https://meiflynn.com/blog/