Blog Archives
Tania Marie: The Roots of Becoming ~ A New Moon Reflection & Crystal Offering
Wishing everyone a blossoming first New Moon of the Summer.
With the first New Moon of Summer arriving in Cancer, there is a quiet invitation to revisit what once longed to bloom but wasn’t yet ready. To look again with fresh eyes. To create spaces of nurturing where our deepest desires can safely take root.
If we long for our truest selves to bloom, strong roots and healthy soil matter.
So today I simply wanted to share a few glimpses from my own “garden of life,” which has become a lush little sanctuary for forest creatures and now two wild baby rabbit friends.
More on July’s animal visitors another time.
This New Moon also feels like a beautiful opportunity to notice where receiving and releasing may gently create more space for what is quietly waiting to emerge.
For me, this feels like a quiet pause between chapters.
Beneath everything, I sense something profound stirring below the surface—something that doesn’t yet have words, yet already feels as though it is reshaping the landscape of the years ahead.
Lately I’ve noticed an increase in time distortions, a soft dissolving of old boundaries, and a quiet knowing that a very different way of living is already taking shape beneath the surface. It may be a couple of years before its full expression appears, yet the flower has always been part of the seed.
Even the sunsets here have become nightly displays of sweeping colors through the trees, something unusually consistent for more than a week now. There is a lingering quality in the sky, as though something is quietly approaching.
Last week’s backpacking journey to one of my favorite places seemed to affirm this feeling. Before leaving, I carried the quiet knowing that a giant fully formed quartz crystal was waiting this year. When it appeared, I nearly fainted… lol.
Alongside that once-in-a-lifetime discovery for this wild alpine area came other extraordinary treasures—beautiful formed crystals, unusual growth patterns, the most smoky and smoky citrine pieces I’ve ever found there together (some of them I could fit in my hand all at once are in the photo below), and an ancient giant smoky quartz nugget I had also quietly felt would reveal itself this year. (I’ll try and share videos on Instagram of some standout beauties.)
These crystals were shaped through earthquakes, glaciers, volcanic activity, lightning, and ancient movements of the Earth. They are rarely pristine. Many carry fractures that have naturally healed over time.
Their essence speaks to the quiet beauty of transformation rather than perfection. To the unknown potential that emerges through life’s shaping forces before finding its way into the hands of a cosmic human.
If you’ve also felt a profound change quietly percolating within, you are not alone.
It may still seem as though little is happening, yet perhaps this is a season for receiving, resting, and allowing the unfolding to deepen its roots.
The mind measures time by how quickly things arrive.
The heart measures time by how deeply they become.
The mind wants certainty because certainty feels safe. The heart seeks alignment because alignment is true. One rushes toward an outcome. The other patiently becomes the person who can fully receive it.
A lotus does not rise before its roots are ready. It unfolds because that is how enduring beauty is born.
When I allow myself to rest, to listen, to receive, and to trust the unfolding, something far more enduring begins to emerge.
The foundation has had time to deepen. The heart has had time to align. The path no longer feels manufactured. It begins to reveal itself naturally.
The unfolding is not delaying the life we long for. It is quietly becoming the very foundation that allows it to endure.
There is a quiet wisdom in the whispers of the heart. The answers do not always arrive as quickly as the mind has been conditioned to expect, yet through trust, patience, and honoring each step, the magick quietly takes form.
Step out of the way to allow the way to unfold.
That same trust is guiding how the remaining crystal companions find the people they are meant to walk beside.
When I returned from the mountains, the guidance felt unmistakable. Rather than deciding with my mind how these final beings should find their new homes, I was simply invited to make space and trust the unfolding.
Because of that, two extraordinary crystal beings—the Pink Rutile Magickal Child a few of you have been asking about and the special Super 7 Elestial—are now available at 22% and 26% off. If one has quietly been calling to your heart, perhaps this is simply the moment the path between you naturally reveals itself.
Tania Marie: Returning to the Temple of the Heart ~ A January 2027 Pilgrimage to Egypt
Today’s share is one that is very dear to my heart, and I’m so grateful to finally be able to announce it.
I know some of you have felt this coming, while others have been eagerly awaiting it. Thank you for giving it the time it needed to unfold.
So, without further ado, I’m delighted to share a beautiful opportunity for soul remembrance, transformation, and embodied living in Egypt.
My dear friend, Mody Ra, has lovingly created a truly extraordinary Egyptian pilgrimage for those who feel called, and I am deeply honored that he has invited me to join him as the guest intuitive energy worker for this sacred journey of remembering and embodiment.
The pilgrimage will take place in January 2027, spanning 12 days and 11 nights through Egypt’s major sacred sites and energetic centers, with an optional 5-day, 4-night post-journey extension to explore the beauty of Alexandria along the Mediterranean before venturing into the timeless magic of the Siwa Oasis.
Among the many extraordinary experiences will be two private, two-hour visits—one inside the breathtaking Temple of Hathor at Dendera, and another within the King’s, Queen’s, and Subterranean Chambers of the Great Pyramid. Our time inside the Great Pyramid will take place beneath the first Full SuperMoon of 2027, offering what many experience as a profound closing initiation to the pilgrimage.
Those private experiences alone make this journey unlike others. Yet they are only the beginning.
Throughout our travels, there will be additional opportunities and sacred places that are not typically accessible to the public. Some will remain beautiful surprises, unfolding intuitively in harmony with the energy of each day. If you happened to see my recent post about my journey to Egypt in March, you may already have a glimpse of the kinds of extraordinary moments that sometimes become possible.
Mody has cultivated remarkable relationships throughout Egypt that allow for experiences few travelers ever encounter. Combined with the energetic intentions we hold together, unexpected doors have a way of opening.
To me, Egypt’s sacred sites have never felt like monuments alone. They are living spaces that seem to awaken something already present within us.
As we move through these ancient places, something begins to stir beneath the surface—not because the temples give us something we do not already possess, but because they quietly remind us of what has always been there.
Your heart recognizes.
And perhaps the greatest journey is not simply through Egypt, but into a deeper embodiment of yourself.
This is the pilgrimage we are honored to share.
The journey is intentionally limited to just 10 participants, allowing for an intimate experience and personalized support throughout our time together.
At this time, we are choosing not to publicly share the complete itinerary, allowing space for each person to quietly feel whether this journey is meant for them.
If your heart feels called, you are warmly invited to contact me through my CONTACT page or by email, or reach out to Mody on Instagram (@mody_raa). We would be delighted to send you the complete Journey Information Guide so you can explore the itinerary and quietly feel into whether it speaks to your heart.
There is also an Early Bird offering available through the 8/8 Lion’s Gate, with $500 USD off the pilgrimage when you reserve your place with a deposit.
As part of my own preparation, I’ll be returning to Egypt this October for three weeks to continue my personal initiations and deepen my own relationship with this sacred land and powerful energies, so I may support those joining us with even greater presence and care.
Although I know there will be more personal journeys to Egypt in my own future, I can’t know whether another opportunity to guest host alongside Mody will align with my own path. For those who have been hoping to journey through Egypt with me, I’m truly grateful to be able to share this invitation. So, with a grateful heart, I am simply saying yes to what is unfolding now.
To be part of this offering brings great joy to my heart—more than words can express.
We look forward to welcoming all who hear the quiet calling of their own hearts to the place I have long called my heartland…
Egypt.
And one final little offering… I’ve also added a few beautiful new crystals – 2 Amethyst from Australia and 1 Super 7 from Brazil – that are now available. If you’d like to explore them, you’ll find them here: Crystals
Tania Marie: Trusting the Unfolding
I hope everyone enjoyed a walk through Summer Solstice’s doorway this past weekend and received the gentle reminders of light, growth, blessings already present, and the quiet knowing that life is unfolding in its own perfect timing.
There are parts of us still blossoming.
Dreams still gathering strength beneath the surface.
Sacred seeds awakening in their own perfect time.
Summer Solstice always feels special to me.
A day that our bunny, Joy, left this earth plane, Astrid came into our lives, and is our wedding anniversary. This year it also aligned with Father’s Day, just like the year of our wedding.
Overall, it just carries a hopeful energy to me – much needed these days when it can be easy to let crazy energies get the best of us. And I’ve seen a lot of wild stuff lately. I’m grateful to have anchored my own center and peace that trusts in alignment.
All that is not aligned, will simply drop away or not affect us when we flow with that divine process.
Right now I’m looking forward to backpacking trips, summer visits with friends, new adventures, dreaming about new journeys, and continuing to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.
As I always do, this season also invites reflection.
Many of those reflections arise from things I experience directly, while others emerge from witnessing the journeys of those around me. Recently, a common theme has been appearing again and again—one that has invited me to revisit what compassion, support, and trust truly look like.
It inspired these words that I recently shared on Instagram and felt guided to share again here, as it might be helpful or timely for someone else – especially empaths, caregivers, and healers:
Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on something that has not come easily for me.
For much of my life, compassion looked like giving more.
Holding more.
Carrying more.
Protecting more.
If someone I loved was struggling, every part of me wanted to help carry their burden.
And while there is beauty in that impulse, I began to wonder if there are times when what appears to be compassion is also a difficulty trusting another soul’s journey.
Standing with this tree, I found myself contemplating the wisdom of nature.
The tree offers so much.
Shade.
Shelter.
Beauty.
Presence.
Yet it remains deeply rooted in its own relationship with the earth.
It does not abandon itself in service to what grows around it.
Its giving and receiving exist in balance.
And perhaps that balance is part of what allows it to endure.
For those of us who feel deeply, it can be difficult to witness another’s struggle, especially when we can see the possibilities.
Yet life continues to show me that transformation cannot be given.
It can only be chosen.
We can offer love.
We can offer support.
We can illuminate a doorway.
But we cannot create another person’s commitment to walk through it.
Perhaps embodied integrity is learning to honor our own truth as faithfully as we encourage others to honor theirs.
To strengthen our boundaries not as acts of separation, but as acts of love.
To trust that every soul has its own timing, its own lessons, and its own path of becoming.
What we can offer is presence.
We can offer compassion.
We can offer possibility.
And then we can trust.
Trust another person’s capacity to meet their own life.
Trust that what feels difficult today may become the very catalyst for a different choice tomorrow.
The most powerful medicine we offer the world may not be found in what we say.
It may be found in what we embody.
Like the tree, we become a living example.
Rooted in truth.
Open in heart.
Offering love without carrying what is not ours.
And embodying the possibility that others may one day recognize within themselves.
For now, I remain grateful for the reminders this season continues to offer:
To trust the timing.
To honor the journey.
And to allow life to unfold as it will.
In my next post, I’ll be sharing an invitation for those who feel called to step more deeply into their own unfolding and transformation—into a journey of embodiment, presence, and lived experience.
Tania Marie: When the Earth Moves, So Do We
I’m just dropping in briefly to send a wave of energetic support. From the conversations I’ve been having and what I’m witnessing, things feel especially intense right now—and you may be feeling that too.
If you’re curious about the astrological layer of what’s unfolding, Laura shared a thoughtful post on the April 17th New Moon in Aries. She dives into the rare alignment of a seven-planet stellium in Aries, along with other unusual influences that may resonate with something you’ve been sensing, questioning, or trying to understand.
Whether it brings confirmation or simply reflection, one thing feels clear—these are deeply transformational times (capital “T,” and yes, a little pun intended).
Interestingly, the external world has been mirroring that intensity. Just before this New Moon, we experienced a sudden two-day storm that dropped a surprising amount of snow right in the middle of warming spring weather. At our elevation, we received around 16–18 inches, with three to four feet in higher areas—something that extended the ski season a bit longer and brought some unexpected joy to those still on the slopes.
Then, the very next day, a 5.7 earthquake struck about 54 miles away. We felt it strongly, especially with the way our home is positioned, though thankfully there was no damage. Still, it served as a powerful reminder: shifts are happening—both around us and within us.
So yes, the idea of “literal and personal earthquakes” isn’t just metaphorical right now.
But as I shared with Laura, these shifts don’t have to dismantle everything. They can arrive in manageable ways—acting as meaningful markers that invite us to pause, recalibrate, and move energy through us with awareness.
And as I’ve reflected with a friend, returning to gratitude for what is—and trusting that life is ultimately working in our favor, even when it doesn’t appear that way—can shift our state more quickly than we might expect.
We’re all moving through this together. The more each of us can consciously work with what’s arising in our own lives, the more grounded and supportive we can be for one another.
If you feel called, take a moment to explore the three reflection questions at the end of Laura’s post—even if astrology itself isn’t something you usually resonate with.
At its core, this energy is about new beginnings. It opens a bold, initiating doorway—encouraging you to bring your desires into form, stand firmly in your individuality, and release patterns that no longer align. With the strong Aries influence, there’s a call toward honesty, courage, and forward movement—an invitation to trust yourself, speak your truth, and take aligned action toward what you feel deeply guided to create.
For me, this is showing up in very real ways—I’m literally stepping into a new journey in a few short days, while also navigating entirely new inner terrain.
So I’ll leave you with this:
Where in your life are you being called to move, shift, or begin again?
And if you’re feeling called to crystal support, there are still companions available from the release. Nine of the twelve have been homed—the partnership always aligns at the right time, place, and frequency. Orders available only until 4/19 if you want them before June.
Bunnies, Birthdays & Beginnings Have Begun ~ Portal Painting Magick as a Marker of Spiraling Change
This is an interlude before the next reblog of White Dreams & Visions Revisited so that I can share some updates including a very important full circle closure AND opening for me that has to do with a portal.
But before that, I just want to extend extra love, healing, and grace of flow to everyone and especially those of you who may find yourself going through some very rough patches. I have heard in the last couple of weeks from several people I know that are themselves going through major health challenges to include various forms of stage four cancer and aggressive lymphoma, or their loved ones are going through the same.
Many people are moving through big changes in various areas of their lives, not just health, and even if ultimately they are for the highest good, things may feel uncomfortable or unclear right now. So let’s take some deep breaths together and remember all the things we have already made it through. One step at a time.
There also continues to be a wide gap between contrasting experiences that can be triggering or add strain on things so, again, it’s helpful to try to find that connective bridge of kindness toward self and others, understanding how everyone is going through their own stuff. The breath and pause with curiosity around the moment unfolding can help to curtail creating a domino effect of explosions. Anything you can do to nourish and support yourself, anchor into the conscious present, listen to and act upon inner messaging, or maybe even reach out to others would be of great benefit as things are changing rapidly and will inevitably continue to unearth reveals and invite more of us on board in the coming days and months.
Although I know it’s a given that collective connection is our innate experience, I have intention that any breakthroughs, uplifting, inspiring, successful, and peaceful energies I experience are shared in the collective pool with others. The way we each move through life creates doorways for the collective.
I’ll share some of the changes and updates that have taken place this month in case they speak to energy shifts and similar kinds of things that you’ve been going through as well. This month has felt like the year’s energy is really starting to clarify and anchor new momentum.
As you know, I’ve been transitioning my own life focuses to put closure to a cycle and prepare for a new one. I felt this energy guidance even before I remembered the actuality of it taking place with my birthday kicking in the essence of #1 numerologically this year. So of course it was a huge a-ha click to why everything was happening. And this #1 energy inevitably gives me a lot of oomph behind the drive I feel compelled to act upon.
I’m so happy to report that I have been able to accomplish this goal of completions and have already removed several pages from this website for offerings that are no longer. I will continue to remove pages in the days ahead leading to my birthday, and eventually will begin updating pages with fresh energy and clear slates.
During the past few weeks I also discovered a weird thing with my gmail acount that is too complicated to explain, but basically showed me another door I would be closing and opening with kind of an “identity” themed focus. Somehow we (Dave and I) had set up two gmail accounts for me when first I created one and unknowingly everything had been operating through one that I don’t use including my YouTube channel, all saved contacts, photos, etc. Of course, I just happened to discover this right now and we took measures to move everything over to the right account, which was quite the project – especially YouTube – and then deleted the nonused account. Needless to say, it’s all fixed and that felt like a reflection of new identity and fresh starts too – kind of like the old account was this in between place holder of a me that would only be temporary.
During the last month or so of completions I also found myself not using my office and Wonderland room I shared with Astrid and the crystal family. I’ve had a temporary setup with my important things on the kitchen island and have been working from the couch in the main living area. I wondered why that was, but then this clicked in as well that it must have been my sensing the energy of transition and not wanting to anchor in that in between within my special space. That space is a container for new energies building, and interestingly during this transition I have been welcoming in and moving around a few last crystals and crystal skulls.
The only thing I have been doing in my Wonderland room is painting, which I just started on 2/11 and completed on the evening of 2/17.
This is one of the important completion projects that has haunted me for a while – to finalize my giant 5 foot x 5 foot portal painting titled Once in a Blue Moon. It makes sense why I haven’t completed it until now, and with everything off my slate I was able to paint the final keys to this doorway of new experience.
I first channeled the painting in 2012 with Nestor (who had already transitioned) and Joy (who was still with me at the time) anchoring it. This is a professional photo of the painting that captures colors differently.
I had no idea then that Cosmo and Astrid would be coming, but I must have intuitively had an idea because the painting was very simple and empty, as if also being a place holder for more.
Over the years of having Cosmo and Astrid, I knew that I wanted to eventually add them to the painting, but also Gaia who is connected to all of them – especially Joy and Nestor – and in fact was Joy’s companion until Cosmo came – as well as Twinkie who was my first bunny when I was twelve years old and whom I feel came back to me as Cosmo. Five rabbits in all and their comrade the Russian tortoise.
It was a project that I kept saying I wanted to do and could have done with the passing of each of them, but it wasn’t until now that I finally felt the energy was ready and of course I created the time for it with clearing out things.
It seems like the perfect marker from old to new with a magickal celebration of everyone together to support what’s to come. And, in fact, also a celebration for my birthday new cycle. I knew it would be done before that and in fact I did it with nine days to spare.
Here it is taken just outside my office door in the sunlight – I had to move away the snow.
I wish I could photograph it as well as the professional one of the original.
It’s SO hard to capture the colors properly – some lighting washes things out and makes everything more blue – other lighting makes things have a yellow undertone. The painting in person has a lot of variation in colors especially where all the detail is, and in person the bunnies are all the proper colors they should be.
But I think the photos will give you an energetic idea of the magick – including their favorite amethyst crystals and special symbolism, bridging details, earth and cosmic landscapes (check out Gaia’s Himalayan terrain), and star codes.
These next photos of Cosmo show you how the lighting shifts the colors – you can see in his fur and the flowers.
I’m excited to see what ignites by its completion and hanging in my Wonderland room where Astrid transitioned.
I already saw one acknowledgment – this sunset took place the evening of the 17th when I completed the painting. This was the second confirmation.
Then on Valentine’s evening 2/14 I finished painting Astrid and took this photo, which showed energy all around her.
I basically painted one of my companions each day since I started on 2/11 and Astrid was to be the last. The background took me two days. Well, the very next morning of the 15th, the first confirmation came after I woke earlier than usual to see the Moon through the forest.
Frith showed up.
I haven’t seen Frith in ages, but there he was.
He ran across our upper deck and then down the stairs to the spiral garden.
This is where I first discovered Frith, before I had the spiral quartz garden, when he was just a baby and would flop himself near the bushes there and act like a domesticated rabbit. That’s when Astrid took him under her wing and they became great friends.
Well, that morning he sat looking at us watching him through the upper picture windows of our living room and I remarked at how much he looked like Astrid in my painting – the same stance.
He’s grown so much!
And he’s still his frisky, sweet self, as he dashed about the spiral garden now covered in snow from our last and biggest storm yet. Then off he disappeared under our deck.
I felt he was Astrid’s acknowledgment and joy of the portal being activated with her coming alive on the painting. They were both happy!
In fact, last night’s dream was graced by Astrid who was full of joy and bursting exuberance. In my dream she got out through the door and was zooming and springing about outside, dashing here and there in the snow. She mirrored Frith. She would leap and twist and turn and move like a flash with great energy bubbling from within. That warmed my heart.
I know this to be an actual portal, as when I first painted it and hung it in my office in Costa Mesa, Southern California, I experienced the magick. I woke in the middle of the night one day and because I could see the painting in my office through both room doorways from my side of the bed, I saw why it woke me up. I saw the painting open and all of these magickal beings came jumping out of it and running across the floor – gnomes, elves, fairies, and other devic creatures.
I wonder what else will happen now that I’ve completed and hung the painting back on the wall of Wonderland over a couch that houses stuffies of all of my sweet rabbit companions with Astrid’s crystal grid in front of it?
Well, I’ll tell you what happened next.
After photographing the painting yesterday morning before going out skiing, I hung it back up in its place on the wall.
Later, after we got home and had lunch, I went downstairs thinking I might get better lighting now to photograph the painting because the morning light made everything blue.
As soon as I walked in my office I was amazed to see the painting down on the floor behind the couch. When I went over to it I realized that the wire broke in half, sending the painting straight down to the floor. Luckily the couch is in front of it, as it would have toppled over onto my table of crystals.
That said, I knew the portal was activated. Just like when I had gridded the crystals on Astrid’s table and she flung my lighted ornament tree onto the ground behind me to tell me it was done and ready to go.
I told Dave that the painting fell and that made three things already happening since painting it.
He said to me, “It’s been hanging on the wall all of these years since we moved in. Nothing’s changed. It’s not like it got heavier.”
I laughed and said, “The whole painting image changed! That’s exactly it. Nothing changed to the canvas itself except the portal is now activated with everyone on it.”
His eyes bugged out and we both laughed. I showed him the wire on the back of the painting and we both said it looked like Astrid chewed right through it. LOL!
“Take that!” Dave said as stand-in for her.
The very strong metal hook on the wall was completely bent from an upright position to a horizontal one. That took me longer to bend back into place than stringing a much stronger, thicker wire across the back, doubling it around the broken one. But it’s all super secure now – unless something else decides to take place.
So, indeed the portal has ignited.
A lot of acknowledgments continue to roll in, including the clock numbers. We all see the repetitive numbers a lot these days, but sometimes the experience is heightened. That’s been the case the last couple of weeks where I’m seeing the numbers like crazy every single day and multiple times a day. This includes seeing my birthday 2:26 on the clock all the time – both during the day and waking up to seeing it during the night.
And speaking of night and sleep, I had another incredible bear dream the night of the Leo Full Moon of the the 12th. This time it had both cubs and momma bear in it.
There were two larger sized cubs that were following me and wanting in the house that I was in, in the dream. Every time I opened the door, they snuck in and wanted to play. I couldn’t keep them out. They always discovered the door I opened and would get in. The cubs were relentless about wanting to be with me.
I thought momma bear must be close and kept looking for her, as I didn’t want to upset her that the cubs were with me. Then I saw mom appear from the woods, but to my surprise she was human – although I knew she was bear in essence. A shapeshifter perhaps.
She carried in her arms a smaller, third cub and I noticed that when she stepped forward in view by the trees that she had a very pregnant belly underneath a long gown. She reminded me of the Empress card in Tarot, which is interesting since I’m a three in numerology by birth number and that is associated with this card. Momma bear had three cubs and one on the way.
She brought the little cub into the house and laid him snug inside an open dresser drawer lined with soft material to sleep.
That’s all I remember, but it was so clear and stayed with me.
I told Dave about my dream and even he said, “Wow you are constantly dreaming of bears.”
Yes indeed!
I’ve also been in a pattern again of dreaming about so many people I know, even if I’m not in contact with them regularly, like a collective streaming of communication and connection happening seamlessly.
And speaking of connection, we got to enjoy a beautiful celebration weekend with my family for my brother’s 55th birthday at the beginning of this month. We also celebrated an early one for me since we wouldn’t be down again until early March.
We ended up spending two nights with them because a snow storm was starting and we didn’t want to get caught on the roads in the event it got as bad as they were predicting.
It didn’t end up being that big, but we were happy we followed our intuition and it gave us more family time to enjoy.
Going down early provided a window to hit one of our favorite fun spots in Reno for lunch, try a new place with vegan baked goods, enjoy a short walk by the river, and do an errand.
I finally got a photo with my favorite momma and baby whale sculpture downtown too!
Snow by us, meant rain down in the valley and that produced this beautiful rainbow when we arrived at my parent’s house.
This was the view from the front door.
Game nights, talks, and yummies are all a part of family fun time. In fact, two of the gifts we brought my brother were new games, which we all played together.
On the morning of my brother’s birthday we woke to this gorgeous, shifting sunrise view through the blinds and windows that looked like a celebration from the heavens!
This was the amazing vegan cake my dad made for my brother that we enjoyed in the beautifully decked out dining room after mom’s delicious meal.
Dave and I even hit the gym at the clubhouse by my parent’s house on both days and I had my usual deep and shifting talks with my brother. This one was a timely, major breakthrough talk perfectly aligned with the changes and my birthday.
On our way home on the 8th, we saw three coyotes following each other in a perfect line, in a field near our house.
And that first night back home, after the powerfully shifting talks with my brother I had another powerful dream.
In the dream I was receiving a blood transfusion in a place that felt different than here. There were actually a couple of other people also receiving a transfusion, but what I realized is that mine was different. They were each receiving human blood and I was receiving rabbit blood. And the interesting way that this was being given to me was by tubes in my mouth that made it so that I needed to swallow the blood.
Interesting given this took place before I started my painting and after talks that involved discussions including my rabbit companions and missions.
Anyway, while that storm of the 6th didn’t end up as big as they thought, the second one did and we were grateful for that.
On the 12th and 13th, just before Valentine’s Day, we got our biggest storm of the season that brought 16 fresh new inches of snow at our house and 28 inches to the ski mountain above us.
We’re very happy about that, as we haven’t had a very big Winter this year so far.
This brought enough for us to have some good snow shoeing this past weekend too, which was perfect to do with our friends who invited us over to do an early birthday celebration for me.
This included the outdoor fun, relaxing, a meal and birthday cake they made for me, game time, and a two-round sound healing session by the guys before we hit the sack for a fun overnighter.
After walks and snowless beach days, we’re back to Winter enchantment, more skiing, and snow is hanging around finally at the house.
February seems to be the new month for Winter Wonderlands to kick in, which adds to birthday fun and magick.
Birthday celebrations have definitely begun and I love that the bunnies are in full and high gear along with me!
I’m looking forward to what’s up ahead, but am feeling super grateful for all that’s here now.
New Empowerment Series of Online Workshops
I chose the above photo (one of my fav) for this post both because of the energy it holds and the potentials it can unlock. I also love it because it’s of my mom standing by my side in reflection between the paws of the Sphinx in Egypt. I am grateful to have been able to share what was likely the most transformative of sacred travels I’ve taken in this lifetime with her and my dad. We were able to have private time here, and other sacred areas, where the Great Mystery feels extra tangible. Some believe The Hall of Records – an ancient library housing knowledge of the Egyptians in papyrus scrolls – was housed in a chamber below the Sphinx, accessed by a secret passageway (one of a series of shafts inside).
Regardless of what we learned about this from the former Minister of State of Antiquities Affairs, Zahi Hawass, and his incredible colleagues that accompanied us, and what we tuned into and received individually, what I love is the presence of potential standing at this gateway invites – a portal between the giant paws that both guard and beckon the courageous of spirit to let go and explore the vortex that lies center of the heart.
With a New Moon in Aquarius (at 9:46 pm PST on January 31st and 12:46 am EST on February 1st) coinciding with the Chinese New Year of the Tiger on February 1st, my mom’s birthday on January 31st, Imbolc on February 1st (the halfway marker between Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox), and Nestor’s birthday (my twin soul in rabbit body) on February 1st, this photo felt symbolically fitting.
The paws reminding me of the tiger (although a lion – still in the large cat family) and ironically, it was on the platform just above the Sphinx before we stepped down from where most tourists only get to stand, for our private time explorations, that I dropped my Hematite rabbit figurine I used to take with me on all sacred travels. This little stone rabbit is the equivalent of a sacred Egyptian statue that honors Nestor’s spirit and came to me so that I could take Nestor in the physical with me everywhere I went so we could grid things energetically with our combined presence, just as much as with our spirits. She enchanted it with her energy and this mini statue remains a vessel for our work to carry on, and for all that we’ve done (and continue to do) together to be part of my everyday on all levels. When I dropped it above the Sphinx, the tiny left front paw broke off and this had powerful meaning and purpose.
It may not be as apparent to you why this is what I felt called to share as the perfect accompaniment to today’s offerings, but in a simplified version of the details I just shared – standing at the precipice of such big transformation, as the photo and that journey opened at the time, speaks to a similar opening taking place now on a different level and to which these workshops are a part of supporting, step-by-step.
It’s about raising the frequency of our vibrations.
Starting in March (likely around or on the Equinox) there will be a new offering of online workshops available that you can either choose to immerse in individually or as a series. These will be pre-recorded, private sessions that you can listen to at your leisure and will be available to return to ongoing for as long as you’d like.
For now I’m continuing to be called to offer only recorded modules, as they seem to fit everyone’s needs more these days, including my own. It can be hard to schedule workshops that support everyone’s time and day schedules, so this provides you the space to work through the sessions when is most convenient to you…even from the comfort of your own bed and in your jammies – my fav! They are also more supportive to me these days with the kind of schedule I’ve been keeping and the need to have full and constant expansiveness.
Although I never know what’s coming next, these latest offerings since the CEDF are all in the vein of a completely new frequency that I’m being guided is important to create space for and facilitate. And while I’ve simultaneously been guided to cut back in all other ways so that I can work on key projects needing to be birthed from my soul signature frequency, these sessions work very well with and are connected to the energy streams in motion. I actually feel that the higher frequency is also why these sessions are being conducted as recordings, to maintain the integrity of the frequency and mitigate potential energy surges that can happen with overloads of frequencies that jumping on technology together could create. It’s enough that nearly every morning my light bulb flickers when I wake up after deep dream time journeying.
I’ve also been hearing great feedback from the Collective Energy Dynamics Forum series that has been ongoing since November, where people have shared how they feel the powerful connection, presence, energy, and personalization as if it’s in real time. This also mirrors just how Reiki works in bridging time and space.
The recordings also make it easier to absorb in your own time, take notes slowly with pauses, and do them in bite-sized morsels that feel nurturing to your specific needs, especially if you’re sensitive to too much time on electronics – something that live sessions can be challenging for – and so that you don’t have to be on “high” energy to fit someone else’s parameters (full expansiveness for you too).
With that said, here is the 3 part series that will be available:
- Everyday Reiki ~ Integrating your skills naturally for daily empowerment
- The Magick of Sound ~ An intuitive approach to integrating ancient voice for fuller embodiment
- Transcending Duality ~ Exploring boundless potentials as we create a new reality
You can register for these and find more details about each workshop at the following link:
You have the choice to register for one, two, or all three workshops. An early registration special is offered for the full 3 part series.
And on a side note, I have a surprise.
Some of The Enchanted Realms Collection will be available again, likely this first week of February, printed in options that will include keychains, tote bags, year-round ornaments, and keepsake box. Before I sent the originals off to their new homes, I took some photos with the idea that I could create printed items from them when I had time to explore this. I finally did and I love how they came out. So, if you had your eye on one of the original pieces, but it was gone before you could decide, you’ll be able to bring one home to you still, but in the form of a unique and fun item perfect for Spring’s leap into fertile potentials! The first run will be ready-to-ship items – just one of each – and if they sell out and you’re still interested, there may be an upcoming option to order more. Please keep an eye out for their availability coming soon.
June Energy Update with Lee
We welcome in June today and edge closer to nearly half way through 2021 already. I read this morning how the Earth is spinning at a faster rate than it has in the last 50 years and with the increase in everything, things are actually being sped up even though it feels like dragging your feet in the mud at times.
This is a big month for me personally, with some key things hitting mid-month and a threefold anniversary on the upcoming Summer Solstice, as well as a big life shift birthing that will begin come end of the month I sense, but as you’ll see from Lee’s update, it’s also energetically big for the collective.
I’m no longer surprised when I listen to Lee’s updates about the nearly exact synchronicity of themes and wording used to describe current energies and experiences that I have either just shared in a blog, have come through as messages and revelations in my personal life, or that I was about to share. We are all connected and share the web of energy waves. Whether we’re conscious of that or not, it’s happening and the echoes are confirmations to that unified field.
I think you’ll see what I mean in the upcoming blog I post, which I’ve been piecing together as it channels through over the last few days. There’s a lot involved with it and I’ve been told to take my time with it, as the frequency of anything put out is very key, especially these days.
The rest of what I add here is a summary in either exact or paraphrased words from Lee’s beautiful share, just in case you don’t listen to it.
I’ve added a few photos from recently, of the trail out back in the forest I journey often. They felt like the perfect reflection of June energy emerging and I particularly loved the dance of light and shadow playing together, as well as the rainbow lining the path below.
A rainbow bridge connecting the two in harmony.
Here begins info included in Lee’s share:
None of us are here to do this alone, as he says. “We’re all taking care of our patch of the garden…we’re all a whole group of gardeners creating a very different garden together.” – That felt like an echo to my last blog, The Many Faces of My Garden.
Pressure around restrictions has been felt, but we’re going to start feeling ease and see restrictions crumble faster because of the wave of people gathering together to do this.
Density is being lessened as far as its hold on people, partially because of our exhaustion with it all and being done with it – more people will be breaking out of the chrysalis and cocoon. Heart power is coming back out in a bigger way.
Revelations and things being revealed that have been lied about, the shadow that’s been hidden and misused will continue to come to light in the next few years. Things you thought or were told are going to have a hanged man result in showing you a whole other perspective you had hidden from you.
Lean into balancing yourself while revelation and reckoning continues on for the next few years.
Different beliefs over things is what’s caused war against others. You can still love one another and have different beliefs. This is where we need to focus and be with these feelings to make greater peace with the fact that different realities will be experienced by everyone and different layers of experience will be all around you the next few years. We need to reckon with how we feel and react, as that is going to play a huge part in it.
Most of you will be here now to birth the new, not to clean up or battle the old world. You need to create and have a creative practice in some way even if just behind closed doors.
Emergence of higher mind and clarity is on the rise around what you do and don’t resonate with and then taking action on that clarity. June presents support for visionary ideas on new things this month and activating forward direction and momentum.
Energy spikes will be lively and on the rise collectively with heightened experiencing. Lee recommends waiting out the spikes before rearranging your life. The amplified energy can feel like a super power in the moment, but let it settle so you have greater clarity from a more peaceful space where things will be smoother and cleaner when you do take action. Your body is slower than your soul to move, so let things settle and integrate, while you tend to your inner garden and allow a more natural mergence to flow.
Deep internal healing is leading to group awakening. More tenderness and vulnerability is awakening within people, taking us away from autopilot and robotic experiencing. It’s like relearning a whole new way of being like fresh curious children emerging from the cocoon womb.
Unification is on the rise even though we see and experience division. The awareness of feeling of the division indicates the process of change is in motion for group awakening.
The integration is happening from the inside out and life reviewing may be more prevalent right now to support new life directions. Upgrades will continue to be presented, so don’t be desperate to take the first offering.
Many of these themes I’ll be expounding on in my own personal share soon. But for now, here’s Lee:
Walking on the Edge ~ Creators Creating Personal Alchemy
As we walked into the energy of May 11th’s New Moon, it called us to feel into the old and decide what heavy baggage we no longer wanted to carry forth into the new. With the Moon being in Taurus, the energy of what ever our personal goals and intentions were for entering this cycle, there was going to be a need for patience and grounding, since Earthy Taurus moves slowly. There would be a nudge toward more mindfulness and clarity on what you really want under the influence of this energy before actually proceeding, and a lot of persistent patience and trust would be in need of nurturing.
If you experienced a few more challenging, confusing or even darker days leading up to the New Moon, you’re not alone. I did, too, and others I heard from chimed in. It’s not unusual, in general, for that to culminate around this cycle, but there was something more going on that some of us sensitives seemed to notice that was riding along the currents as well.
What ever the themes and energies were that emerged for you, these I feel are sacred messages as to what’s to be alchemized not just for the lunar month, but also the journey at large, ahead.
You may have sensed a shift to more material and physical things to include your body, your home, daily, and simple routines or mundane things and these would both be helpful, as well as inspiring creative changes like redecorating, wearing new colors and styles, experimenting with new foods, and creating beauty all around you.
As creators, walking into the new we want to see, with trust and courage, is what’s needed – not knowing the end result and not knowing how, but moving into it and watching it work out in the moment. When in doubt, we will need to remember to foster words of gentle encouragement to ourselves and look inward to understand our personal alchemy. When feeling discouraged or lost, we may need to call upon support systems – on and/or off Earth, or simply from within.
While we may need to learn to be our own muse at times, there are many muses around us that can be uplifting and inspiring. Anything can be our muse – a person, animal, plant, color, energy, feeling, place, spirit guide, etc. They will carry codes of creation to spark new realities.
In any event, these are the times of the creators – you – and what we’re journeying deeper into is bringing forth personal alchemy in a way that helps make changes in your life more fun and with greater ease, which ultimately has an effect for the collective as well.
If you find yourself at a crossroads and unable to see what’s next, you’re not lost or alone. I find that the further we journey in these rapidly accelerated times, the less we’re going to have foretelling of what’s around the corner. We’re being invited into a different way of experience that leads from the heart’s alignment to spirit.
We’ve oscillated between choosing either mission or love (what’s the most far-reaching responsible and compassionate thing or where our heart tugs) and we are learning to merge these so there is no sacrifice.
It’s not just a human endeavor, but a cosmic journey we’re embarking on and helping to harmonize.
It also feels to be about going beyond black and white to play in the gray – the middle way.
It’s not a clear cut path, as we’re creating it as we go along and many are not only working with us, but awaiting and cheering us on to embody this alchemy.
Two days before the New Moon, I felt a very heavy energy and it felt like it wanted to consume me, discourage, and close the shutters on the light I saw through the window. I found myself being pulled down and ego wanted reason to stay in that, wallow and linger there, and even fully give up. I’d been aware of this energy for a while, but had managed to keep it at bay. Then it charged forth just like that Taurus bull, but with fiery eyes and sharp horns staring straight at me, I had to decide how to dance with him – would I fight the bull, tease and taunt it, run away from the bull, surrender to defeat by the bull, or?
I decided to use love and speak the language of the heart. I stepped into my vibrational frequency in order for personal alchemy to come through.
And this helped open a door that was closed before. It wasn’t the answer, but it created a way for something else to emerge.
From there, I still had the heaviness, even though I “bought” time and thoughts, visions, and feelings swirled within me. Ego still wanted a reason to linger there, but intuition stepped in.
I felt exhausted and betrayed by the energies unfolding. Being in nature always helps, especially being active outdoors, and so I did keep moving the energy and being curious about what it all meant.
Contrary to the ego voice, when I returned home, intuition told me to go out and do my wildflower seeding even though I felt like doing nothing. I immediately started feeling the energy shift and my energy rising, little by little. By the end, I was revitalized both with energy and perspective, and hope returned. This act that my intuition guided me toward, was a literal “seeding” of new intentions and potentials.
I watered them after.
The next day following, I did more outdoor activity and really moved the energy in a bigger way to the point of having conversations out loud with my star family and the Universe, as I hiked and passed through different stages of feelings. Nature was there to absorb and help recharge all that I released, and transmutation took shape.
After that vulnerable and raw release, even more perspective and doors opened, and although I didn’t actually arrive at any particular answer, there was possibility where there hadn’t felt to be any before.
And by the time the day of the New Moon arrived, energies continued to shift and soften and has continued as so.
Still no answers, but more was revealed and I can feel a way even though I don’t know what it is.
And through all of this I’ve had a lot of interesting messengers showing up, which point to my sensing the approach of one of the biggest shifts of my life upcoming.
This is all indicating a call to a new path opening and changes ahead.
And although you see me here, I have actually been more inner these days in order to recalibrate what I’m downloading and how that will look.
I don’t see what new world I’ll land in, but perhaps it’s a new one I’m creating as a creator, which will take some time to manifest.
Or, maybe it’s the world I remember best, calling me back.
Whenever I am on the precipice of major change, hawk shows up as both confirmation things are being supported behind the scenes and as guide to help me with passage between realms. The day after the heaviest of feelings, she flew above and landed atop a barren old tree in the clearing to make sure I saw her and waited for me. As I approached, she looked down and watched me the whole way to her. After I reached her and thanked her, she then took flight above me and circled for about three minutes, close, then farther, and back again. I could see her beautiful feathers clearly.
I’ve been spending a lot of extra time outdoors in receptive and releasing mode because, as I mentioned, it helps me to move energy and listen. If I’m not out on the trails, I’ve been heavily in my garden implementing new ideas, or in extra close communion with Astrid, my cocreator.
In my spare time, I’ve been completing one task at a time, finishing projects, and now stepping into reorganizing and redecorating my office, garage, closet, and kitchen pantry – all feeling right in line with the New Moon energies, as well as the earthing time.
As I shared earlier, the last five days have brought some interesting animal guides to me as messengers. Besides the unusual now THREE bald eagle sightings within less than two weeks, coyote crossed behind our house just as I looked up from the kitchen while cooking, a coyote pack howled close by while I was gardening, followed by an owl hooting in the trees, I found part of a skunk’s tail fur, a large piece of porcupine fur and quills, an old fallen bird’s nest, and
discovered robins have returned and built a new nest at the same place above the eaves of the front door for their family.
There were also four turkey vultures that circled and coasted on the wind in front of us while we sat on a rock cliff overlooking Tahoe – that’s when the third eagle showed up right after being
chased by smaller birds – I found a beautiful dead moth in a box where some of my gardening things were kept in the garage that looked like it had been deliberately preserved, I found a plethora of various bird feathers (one appears to be hawk), including a soft, tender bunch of new goose down feathers from
geese friends that left it behind for me, Dave found a very large black raven feather while I connected with hawk, and six geese followed us, nested near us by the water and waited a few
hours for us to return from our bike ride. I also found a huge spider downstairs that was one of the biggest I’ve seen in a while and the first zebra swallowtail of the season glided toward us on the trail.
Then there’s this gorgeous, huge silvery “gray” squirrel who has been visiting profusely outside my office and in the garden. He’s quite the shape shifter and little wizard.
Transformation is afoot in a very big and contrasting way, and I feel that the only way to navigate it all is to be in and create personal alchemy right now, as that’s all we have at our fingertips.
Knowing our own vibration and how to manage and raise it, becomes vital in these times.
I’m seeing how energies are trying to intervene and even confuse, deter, or try to block the new, but you truly can find another way.
Even if it just opens a door, or buys time, implementing intuitive being and your own inner muse frequency can ignite personal alchemy for change to ignite.
Sometimes you feel like softly closing your petals for a while and other times you bubble with exuberance to open them wide. Where ever you find yourself is perfect and doesn’t change this fact – a flower you are.
I’ve been observing my new tulips daily, watching as they open and close in response to the light and heat. They aren’t diminished by this contraction of tucking in for the night or folding up on a rainy day.
It’s a way to keep their pollen dry and protected so that when they do open to the next morning’s light, they are ready to dance with visiting pollinators and share their sweetness they have enriched to gift.
An Ironic Full Circle Birthday Twist
What do you get when you take a fish out of water, put the fish on the highest snowy mountain peak in sight, and ask her to find her way home? She begins to remember her essence, applies it to what ever surrounding she finds herself in, and starts to transform into the mythical sea goat her ascendant, North Node, and First House Mars foretold she could be.
Or, something like that. 😉
Truth be told, the short story of irony I’m about to tell is one I did not foresee being one I would tell. And yet, I feel guided to share it for the seed it might plant in any one of you who also may have fears or doubts about what is possible, as I’ve always strongly believed that our greatest fears hold the greatest alchemy for us. In fact, I feel that our greatest fears are the doorways to our gifts and potentials.
I’ve seen that transmutation with things like my fear of public speaking, which turned into teaching, leading retreats, being interviewed on radio shows and video spots, coaching others, creating a YouTube channel of my own, and even openly sharing in various forums or platforms like this.
But skiing? I had pretty much accepted it just might not be my thing and was okay with that.
As many of you know who so sweetly follow along with my journeys, skiing is likely close to the bottom of my list of things I would have considered doing well. I didn’t grow up doing it, I didn’t start to really ski more consistently until the last two to three years – I’m now 48, and I had layers of fears around it that at times were debilitating when first I tried my hand at it.
This fish – I’m a Pisces – was more comfortable in liquid water rather than on frozen water even though I loved the enchantment of it.
That is, until my Capricorn stepped in to help me merge into that sea goat.
Fast forward to 2021 and I find myself on a nine week “ski safari,” as Dave likes to call it, and unknowingly to me, this presented the opportunity to embrace, hide, or run away from my fears. The sea goat-to-be decided to embrace it and hence began the daily consistent journey of supporting myself through a different layer of growth for the next chapter in my life.
I made a decision to transform my relationship with fear and skiing and reprogram a whole new way of nurturing myself that would make it fun, gentle, encouraging, and unconditional. I spent the last eight weeks really listening to myself, understanding my feelings, and developing a consistent practice and system of trust and support that translated into a natural progression of greater confidence, comfortability, and the surprising personal skill to get down a mountain that I wouldn’t have thought was possible.
I still wouldn’t call myself a great skier with amazing form, but that was never the goal. My intention was to create an inner trust and way that worked with who I am so that I could experience the natural out of something that once felt very unnatural.
But even greater than not seeing that coming, was not seeing what unfolded next, which just so happened to take place the day before and on my birthday.
We had a surprise visit from one of Dave’s law school friends and his girlfriend who happened to be finishing up a short ski trip in Park City, Utah and were on their way to visit his family near Boulder, Colorado. They decided to stop a couple of days near us and didn’t know it was my birthday. So, in fact they ended up being with us to celebrate and we met them at Copper Mountain where they were staying, so that we could ski with them for two days.
His girlfriend is a beginner skier, also learning late in life like me. She’s three years older than I am and just started last January in Lake Tahoe. She’s only skied half a dozen times and has taken several lessons. So, it was a good match for me to ski with her while Dave and his friend skied together.
What I had no idea would happen, though, was the two days turned into me teaching her. She didn’t ask me and I didn’t set out to do it. It just naturally evolved and the result was something neither of us expected.
But let me repeat that…the two days turned into me teaching her. What?!
Somehow the self trust and confidence I had built within myself the last eight weeks, alongside the self nurturing and transparent vulnerability and understanding of my fears had created a bridge between me and her. It was an unspoken language that my heart understood during the first two minutes I watched her ski. And a camaraderie of nurturing ignited instantaneously and the teacher side of me found a new channel to lovingly work through.
It didn’t matter if I was “expert” at this skiing thing or not. I had personal experience and tender understanding about what was running through her. I saw her as me and I knew how I had nurtured my own inner child through this, so this experience was simply another version of that inner child I naturally gravitated toward and vice versa.
What unfolded within literally ten minutes almost made both of us cry.
She looked at me with the hugest smile and sparkle in her eyes (we were wearing our face coverings so that’s all we could see of each other) and said, “Oh my gosh Tania. This is the first time I’ve ever been able to make turns. This is the first time anyone has ever told me what you just did. I can’t thank you enough. You’re such a good teacher because you explain things the way I understand them.”
To say I was humbled by what she said is an understatement….I nearly fell over because the irony of this shocked me. I merely felt what she was going through and relayed things as I would have to myself. Nothing fancy, just from the heart in a simple way.
She had been used to expecting she would fall, expecting to have fear, and just holding her breath, ploughing straight down steep parts, and hoping for the best. She had no confidence. Her trust was in the fact that falling was normal and fear would always control her.
After just one, long run together she was a completely different person on skis and she went from a past history of multiple crash falls and landings to only one small, gentle fall on the first two runs we did together, to not one fall on the third.
But more importantly, she was smiling huge, excited, felt confident, and was finally having fun!
I was floored because it was the last thing I would have expected and yet it actually seemed to make sense when I thought about it.
It’s not that I know all there is about skiing because I hardly know anything, but I know fear and I know processes. What I learned was a step-by-step way to address and explain things so that a better relationship could be developed with something new and scary. I knew that creating a bridge to more confidence and what would support that best, was where to start. The rest would naturally evolve.
She went on to tell her boyfriend and Dave that she’s had what she considered not great and good instructors, but I had done what neither had been able to.
It’s still actually hard for me to even say or write this because it’s challenging to see how this happened and so it makes me want to giggle in disbelief. And yet, we both witnessed, and her boyfriend did too on the second day, the progress she made.
He actually thanked me when we arrived on day two, my birthday, after doing one run with her, saying “Wow Tania. You really upped her game. She’s made huge progress. I don’t know what you did – hypnotized her or something – but thank you.”
You can imagine the laugh Dave and I had when we returned to the car on our own and I said, “I guess I’m a ski instructor now?!”
On our second day together, and first run of that day, she had a moment where her ski hit a round ice ball on the steepest part of the run. This, as you might surmise and is quite natural, put her back into a place of fear. So, it started to make her second run more challenging, as that fear thought was lingering with her and wondering if it would happen again. She began to lose confidence.
I knew that place very well, too. Those little setbacks when you have a different day, things feel different, conditions are different, etc. These are times that call for you to double back and navigate things from the beginning again in a way that feels nurturing instead of pushy or judgmental.
I started to do that with her and explained how it was okay…natural…but we could work with that. And we did. We talked through things and she took it step-by-step, including just looking a few feet in front of her to navigate her path rather than at the whole landscape, and then following closely behind me as I took a very slow and deliberate run like I’d done the day before that helped her feel guided to focus on rather than her fear. She mirrored me and we were as one.
She shared her gratitude for helping her through the fear and explained she felt so much better.
Once again, she looked at me with the hugest smile and sparkle in her eyes and I knew she was having fun again.
And that my friends, is priceless.
Celebrating a Milestone ~ Making Fears Fun
On yesterday’s Chinese New Year of the Ox (my native zodiac), day thirty of skiing this Winter season, while protected and overseen by Ullr, the Norse God of Snow, I hit a milestone on my journey with fear. The fear I’m referring to has to do with heights associated with being on edges like riding chair lifts and skiing down mountain runs. The milestone was going down a Black Diamond run for the very first time and having fun doing it.
For anyone new to skiing, as I was, ski slope colors refer to the steepness of the gradient and the level of difficulty. Green is Beginner, Blue is Intermediate, and Black is Expert. That said, there are many levels in between and these are very loose terms in my opinion, as I see people of all levels on various runs. Also, you don’t have to be what you think might be considered an “expert” to go on a Black Diamond run. You simply, in my opinion, need to have courage, but indeed you need to have some level of skill to safely get down, especially in terms of turning and being in control. “Double” of any color means more challenging…for instance a Double Green is more like a Blue or Intermediate with more steepness, and so on. I find also that every ski resort has different ideas about what they think each level is and where you might not feel comfortable on some in one resort, on others you would. So you need to ask questions to the staff and explore for yourself. Also, I find some Green runs at resorts to mostly be cat tracks – paths used to move around the mountain, rather than actual runs. I tend to not like these and don’t consider them really great for learning to ski because they are narrow and don’t really allow for turns and practice. And if conditions aren’t great, they can be icy too. That said, they ARE sometimes the only way down the mountain so are necessary to be familiar with.
If I had to label my level of skiing I’d say I’m at the beginning end of Intermediate. However, I like how Jeffrey Weidel breaks down the three main color-coded levels further into nine levels, which speaks to me more. According to his breakdown, I’m at Level 4, edging ever-so slowly into Level 5.
But these are just ways of understanding categories and to give you a little understanding of things in reference to the main theme here – working with fear.
So, back to that milestone I hit yesterday, which to me isn’t just about a fear of heights and edges, but spoke to my making friends with fear in general and how I have been teaching myself to navigate it on my own terms.
As I mentioned in my last blog, “my skiing approach is one of enjoyment, not achievement.” And this has been the key for me in how to reprogram fear, no matter what the fear involves.
It’s also about honoring my needs and supporting that.
Rather than take something I’m afraid of and try to make it a system of how to progress to achieve a certain level or status, I’ve made it purely fun without any agenda, and my learning to be something I’ve decided to be my own coach of so that I can provide the kind of nurturing and motivation I know speaks to my inner little girl – a marriage of the wise adult and the innocent child. I become my own parent or instructor based on the knowledge of my fears and how I can engage them to feel safe and join me, rather than want to run away.
That doesn’t mean that getting a good ski instructor isn’t a good idea. Ski instructors are great no matter what level you’re at, to help refresh or take you to new levels. However, I’ve found that for me at this point, my own coaching is most nurturing, as part of the repatterning I am doing has to do with my approach to things. So, having someone overseeing and controlling that right now isn’t helpful. I have had a few instructors in the past and retained the basics from them, but I also learned from those experiences that this is the more supportive approach right now for me. I also learned a lot more by skiing with Dave and what he’s shown me. He’s an amazing skier. So with the basics, I’ve been able to formulate my process intuitively and gently support growth.
You see, in the past I learned to “perform” and in many cases push through something with an old “race horse” mentality that quite literally was engrained within my soul history from lives as just that. It wasn’t about how I felt, but what I felt I needed to do – in many cases being for someone else and not myself. It was that old “suck it up” and dishonor what your feelings and process are, in place of what you are either told you should do, or is driven only by achieving.
I began to slowly reprogram that approach nearly 15 years ago, upon discovering it, but skiing has been the best gauge of change with this for me and the biggest leaps of progress from my work have come in the last few years. And this year, when the opportunity came from this Winter immersion adventure we’ve been on, I’ve been able to really bear witness to my process because of having so many consecutive days of skiing.
The most I’d ever skied in a season, previous to now, was sixteen days. The last two years sixteen days was my max and previous to that in the first years of my starting at this I had only skied a handful of days each season. Not enough to really shift a pattern. And with thirty days under my belt this year, it’s provided that consistent focus and commitment I believe anything takes if you really want to change something. I still have another fifteen possible days to add to this for 2021. So this year really is monumental for supporting transformation.
Without going into all of the details of how I’ve been retraining myself, my basic approach is to honor my feelings, consistently repeat runs over and over and over in a flowing way at levels I feel comfortable with that have a slight stretch to them (in this way making them feel more natural to me and giving me lots of repetitive practice), taking my time, enjoying nature all around me, staying ultra present, talking gently to myself and even giggling the whole way to help make adjustments where needed and to keep things light, pausing to take it all in, and celebrating the moments.
I explore different little off-sections of trails to introduce change so that I can feel the unknown a bit, but at my own choice. And when there’s a slightly more challenging run connected to my path, I will slowly introduce it by trying it once in between my runs. Even if I don’t do it again, it’s my way of stretching into the new space to support growth. Usually what I find is that when I do that, I actually return to my usual run with greater ease, skill and confidence. And if I feel like something isn’t going right or I don’t like the runs or conditions, I will not push anything. I do only what I feel safe and comfortable with, then stop.
Since skiing doesn’t come natural to me, being that I didn’t grow up doing it and don’t have any muscle memory, as they say, for it, I am having to create that now.
But the key in all of this is enjoying the process. If it’s not fun, then it becomes work and feels like the old way of force.
This is why I will also stop along the way to take in sights I see, explore, notice the details of the terrain and little fun things like the Gnomes you saw in my last post.
And yesterday was proof that my confidence and relationship to fear had shifted hugely when I decided to try the Black Diamond run.
There was build-up to this, as several days ago we were skiing at this same resort and I overhead some guys telling their girlfriend that the Black Diamond run next to where I was skiing was considered an “easy” Black run. Normally that wouldn’t get my attention, as I would have a huge block to Black. And many times I have the same block to a lot of the Blue runs too. So, I spent my day observing the Black run they mentioned while I rode up the ski lift because I could see the whole thing from that vantage point. I kept taking in the pitch of the slope, watched people ski down it at various levels including my own, and mentally was processing it.
I told Dave about it after we left the resort that day and that I was curious about trying it, but didn’t want to do it alone if I did. I never like to be on something steep by myself in case I fall.
On Friday we were actually supposed to go to a different resort – you have to make reservations with Covid – but due to snowy weather and the longer drive to that resort we decided to cancel and go back to the place that had the curious Black Diamond run and where Ullr, the Norse God of Snow directs his guardian aim because it was closer.
After skiing the runs I practice on for a bit, I asked Dave to try the Black run and tell me what he thought. He did and I remained curious. I didn’t feel a block or a huge “no” in me, but continued to have curiosity and felt like it was a good chance to try something more difficult. I felt that there was reason I had overhead the other people mention it, as if I hadn’t heard that I wouldn’t have thought it possible. And the only reason I was curious was because they said it was an easy Black Diamond, which Dave confirmed. Plus, I obviously had built up courage from all of my consistent practice.
That said, I still knew I was in for some steep terrain. However, I’ve been practicing like heck and feel confident with my control and turns even if not done like a graceful swan. I also had just gotten my skis tuned up and they felt better than ever to carve those turns.
So, I went for it. On my own accord. It wasn’t anyone else’s idea. I wasn’t forced. I chose it and was curious about it. Curiosity invites wonder and innocence to stay with us and softens the seriousness or feeling of pressure.
And off I went, with Dave staying with me to the side just in case.
In the past I would have froze, cried, stopped and took my skis off and walked down, or perhaps even fallen.
None of these happened and in fact I saw how both my practice had supported my ability to make slow, in control turns and my consistency and fun approach took the edge off of fear.
I still felt my heart beat, but I knew I could do it and I did. I was in control of my experience.
It was a huge celebration of what for me was monumental in experiencing the shift that had taken place.
I returned to the run I was doing before it and I saw how much better and even quicker I was getting down, after stretching my curiosity on the Black Diamond run.
I celebrated my milestone and Dave did too.
This is a post about possibility.
That you can learn anything at any age – I’ll be 48 in just a couple of weeks and didn’t start to really ski until my 40’s.
That you can move through any fear – my fear of heights is not little, but I’ve learned to find ways to walk hand-in-hand with it, rather than push it away or avoid it.