40 Years Young – My Journey to an Eternal New Beginning

seedAs the group of us here in Park City, Utah were talking over dinner last night, each of us celebrating what is considered a major, transitional birthday this year (two turning 50 and myself turning 40), were asked about what this year of transition felt to be for us. This actually hadn’t been the first time for me to ponder this, as it’s something I do quite regularly in terms of major transitions that happen in my life. However, this one has a different significance, not connected in the least to that old idea of a “mid-life crisis.”

As I approach (in less than a week) what some consider one of those milestones in life – turning 40 – I have to say that my concept of this takes on a new meaning than what many have thought it to be. For me, it is like a rebirth into the start of the most fulfilling part of this life experience that most directly reflects the collective me.

In general, I actually never think about my age anymore, at least in the sense of what mainstream thought is in regard to it. Age for me is just a marker of time , which in the grand scheme of things is non-existent, for there is only the eternal moment.

I feel as if my life is just beginning, not half over, or whatever it is people believe these days. Every year, month, day, hour, minute, and second always is opportunity to choose differently, consciously, and from love, and to start creating a whole new reality in direct reflection. And the cool thing is, since time does not exist, it never is too late or too early to do so.

TaniaHowever, very early on when I was a little girl, I had this feeling of wanting to speed up “time,” as I intuitively felt my life wouldn’t get rolling until after 40. All I remember wanting was to “grow up” fast and get over all this silliness and superficiality of conditioning that felt so foreign to me. An odd thought for a child so young. Where this came from, I’m not sure, other than an instinct. And at the time I had no concept of mid-life crises connected to a certain age. I just felt this sort of 40-mark would be a positive transition for me of release into expansive living – very different than the sort of dooms day, stressful, fear, or confused place I later learned people would see 40-60 as.

Little did I know at the time (but started to understand) that I was headed for an intense first part of my life, which would preceed this freeing expansiveness that I was seeing ahead.

Interestingly, as I began my personal growth path, studies, explorations, and spiritual evolution, confirmations of this belief through astrology, numerology, my intuitive feelings, and even the very few channeled readings I had from others all started reiterating the same – things would really blossom after 40 and I would experience the fruits of my labor, so to speak.

I didn’t like the feeling of having this constant “work hard” or “future” idea, as I knew how precious, important, and powerful the present moment was. So, while I longed to get through things, I also started to settle into embracing that whatever I was going through, no matter how seemingly challenging or oddly bizarre, was a perfect part of the equation.

There were times of see-sawing back and forth between exasperation and despair, to complete detachment and flow, while I learned the beauty of life in all of its extreme colors and how to create that balance that is all and nothing at once.

And colorful my life has been, but no matter how hard things have ever gotten, there was always this driving force of underlying trust and belief that saw me through. Where that kind of strength came from, I never really understood, other than my knowing there was a bigger picture unfolding of which was a commitment of heart and soul I had made.

Where some people may start to question and explore “the more” in life later, when hitting that shifting point for themselves, I came into life questioning, learning intensely and fast, and exploring, so that later would be my fun and freedom.

It’s not that we ever stop questioning and exploring, nor that intensity is necessary, but my soul had set a course for serious “get ‘er done” focus to begin with so I could move into being of service in the way my soul desired. I didn’t accept what I saw, felt and heard around me, as being the right thing for me. Not everyone is set up the way I was, but I was determined to recapture the essence of me and how that fit in to the bigger picture.

As I grew in years, I constantly found myself sharing with others the fact that I felt this “so called” mid-life crisis was happening for me early on…and that I was living my life in reverse to what was considered “normal.”

For the people who know me, you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s new Tania?” lol! And yet, while this may be my “normal” to live and do things backwards, it hasn’t always been the common way for others until more recently.

I do a lot of things “backwards” including flip through and read magazines, articles, and books from back to front. With books I’ll then proceed to read front to back, but always start off skimming in reverse as an overview. My pendulum has always worked in reverse to many, as well, in that my yes’s are counter-clockwise and no’s are clock-wise. Despite what others are doing I go by my inner guidance and am drawn, like I was in Bimini, to follow my own compass. For instance, I swam counter-clockwise around The Three Sisters Rocks our group went snorkeling at rather than the clock-wise way the group did, which did prove personally rewarding and revealed the discovery of a shark for the group. When given the choice, I seem to many times be drawn to the reverse way than most people are.

Needless to say, I indeed have led a sort of reverse life, in the sense of how others have. Even to the degree that when I was younger, people always used to think I was older and now the reverse is true (something I believe many are starting to experience more and more of as well). I remember being 13-16 and out with my parents at restaurants and the waiters always bringing another wine or champagne glass for me, without asking, when my parents ordered a drink. And I recall not only the more mature essence that came through in photos and from my eyes – many remarking on it looking as if I’d been through so much, when I was still under 18. I also remember I had such a seriousness, maturity, and focus that was not usual for someone of my age. I learned very early on that I wanted nothing to do with certain things and stayed away from them, even if that meant forging on my own – which basically by the time I was a senior in high school, I was doing just that.

I wanted out of school and on to my life. I knew what was important and valuable and I was determined to bring more of that into my life, some way, some how. I was always reminded of playing by myself in my imaginative, yet very real, world when I was young and the joy I had in that realm.

Although I came in to this life from the onset, much as who I am now (which I believe many of us do) and continue to become, quite rapidly I “aged” in leaps and bounds, became someone foreign to myself, and squeezed a ton of experiences and growth into the first part of my life. While others were going off to 4+ years of college and starting careers and having families, I was re-discovering and unearthing “me” through a wide gammut of intense experiences. I dipped in and out of traditional to unconventional experiences in order to work out all the kinks.

I delved into my spiritual studies and growth while still in high school and continued deeply after quitting my first job. I was an achiever and really driven, so after getting through my schooling and the college thing (both as a 4.0 student)that didn’t feel right to me either (which is why I opted for a  2 year trade school I completed in 18 months), I went on into a job I hated, but excelled at, started feeling miserable and unhealthy, and came to what some might consider that mid-life crisis time where I saw at 22 that enough was enough.

There was more to life and to me. The American dream, my butt…what was Tania’s dream?

I then quit my job and having saved every penny I earned, while living still at home, I took off several years to go into self-study, self-nurturing, and taking care of my health and well-being. At one point, I physically moved to Sedona with my parents and walked away from every person I had ever known in my life to start anew (something I became proficient at). I also spent two years there in Sedona, doing nothing but personal growth and self-counseling on every single thing within my capability to access that I’d experienced up until that point in my life. I left the house only to walk in the nature near and around our home so that I could commune with the energy there.

This continued over the years with trial and error processes and choices that I kept implementing to learn about myself and work through as much as I possibly could, in order to integrate life times of unfinished business, as well as current life conditioning. This to include exploring many different job hats, traveling the world, continuing my personal growth and spiritual evolution, entering and ending marriages, integrating healing crises, working with a spiritual life coach, and continually working towards consistently mirroring my knowingness of myself and my beliefs – all along re-establishing, nurturing, and making safe, the little girl, who once was, to return.

I didn’t care how crazy I must appear to people around me, nor did I find what I was going through to be strange, except by other people’s definitions. Over time, things shifted and where once I used to feel lonely or in need of connection, I learned to replace that with feeling whole within and no longer “needing,” but instead capable of truly sharing.

TaniaThe journey gets me closer and closer to the essence of me and helps to recapture the naturally visionary, imaginative, creative, healing, and intuitive little girl that I was who communicated with animals and the otherworlds and felt most at home in a reality of my own creation.

Likely, to some, my life will increasingly seem crazy, while to others, magickal…and yet to me, just more, well… me.

Enough said…fast forward to the present.

So while reaching 40 has significance in terms of knowing it is a point where I can really see and experience my life truly becoming all that I knew it could be and will continue to increase in depth and breadth to mirror the evolution I put into practice, it isn’t something I ever feared, worried about, or was scared of. I actually looked forward to “MY reality concept” of what I believed it to be and am now enjoying the integrative seed within me that is sprouting from a newly established foundation I have laid after destructing (like the Tower card in Tarot) the old one. (Remember, you can’t newly build anything of lasting quality on an old foundation)

I never feared death in my life, I never feared menopause, and I never once thought that anything would be taken away as I grew in age. In caring for myself from the inside out, shifting my beliefs and actions into alignment with authenticity, living a healthy life fostered by my joy and natural innateness, learning not to fear being different or leading an unconventional life doing “odd” things that could be judged harshly, I only kept and keep experiencing more and more magick. 

For me, it has always been a process of growing younger, while I come back into the essence of me. Turning 40 was definitely not about a period of needing to figure out “what’s next?” after unauthentic realities crumble. Nor was it about starting from scratch into discovering myself now, or that my life was on a slow spiral downwards from here.

What it IS now is this joy of creating from my heart more freely and authentically and understanding I have the tools, know the process, and am present with the moment of now, not needing to worry about the past or the future – which is why I don’t have visions of the “what’s to come” anymore, or stay away from trying to see that – and live as if today is all there is.

I don’t, and never did, understand the concept of “retirement” because everything I am and that I do, is something I love and is natural to me (and if it isn’t I will move to where the moment guides my heart) and will be doing until I’ve decided my time here is fulfilled and the day comes that I no longer walk this Earth. And yet even then, I would still be involved in the same essence of what I am expressing and sharing now, but just in an eternal, non-physical form way.

I’ve never felt more alive, more myself, and more aligned. And I know it only continues to increase in depth and breadth, which is the real joy. Every day is such a surprise to discover it actually DOES get better and more exciting. We are shifting concepts of what used to be, to what now is, based on our unlimited creative potentials.

When times were bleak and intense, the only thing that brought me back into body was the return to trust in what has always resided in my heart, even if it gets clouded momentarily – love always wins.

Tania MarieTurning 40 means nothing to me in the sense of the number, as I feel simultaneously like the three year old me I once was, infused with this ancient me I have always been. 40, or any other number, is just a chronological way to calendar our Earthly years in this physical form and in this life, but by no means has any correlation to the timelessness of our souls. I have lived life times this life and consciously am accessing so much more than what appears. When you learn to recognize, honor, and tap into the vitality and purity, as well as expansiveness and wisdom you have available, you begin to transcend all limitations and definitions, and start to harness your luminous being self.

People are growing younger by the minute, the more they learn to live in the joy of their fullness and with value, honor, and love for the integration of soul and body they are. We are here to experience the spectrum of what life has to offer and infuse the love in our hearts into every infinite reality of our creation.

taniaSo, while age has no bearing, for me it is simply a celebration of my visions and commitments coming to fruition, experiencing my joys and service meld and integrate more deeply into harmony, and realizing the creative power I (we) have available to manifest unlimited beauty for the collective, as a Child of the Law of One.

As February 26th rolls around, I won’t be celebrating my turning 40 years old, but WILL be celebrating the return to innocence of feeling more myself than ever before, and knowing I’ll be more myself with each new beginning moment.

I may have another 40, 100, 200 years… or maybe even just 40 more days or minutes more in this body and in this particular life. In any case that it may be, I have no fear for how that unfolds, nor any attachments, as I know I am giving all of my heart to every moment, free of will and full of joy.

The little three year young, 40 year old, and eternal me are one and the same.

About Tania Marie's Blog

Creating life as a work of art with a magick rabbit by my side. I remember my song. Do you? Artist, Author and Reiki Master Teacher with over 30 years' experience in creative healing arts and metaphysical studies. Tania inspires people globally to return to natural harmony, draw forth imagination to manifest dreams, embody creative empowerment, and live more magickally and abundantly from their most natural frequency – in essence, Tania helps you to remember your song.

Posted on February 21, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Hehehe, sent your 40th birthday package off this afternoon and came home to this post. 🙂 Love you!

  2. aww! lol. as always in synch my faery twin. thank you sooo much. i look forward to my surprise. love you bushels. ❤

  3. Tania, I started following your blog over six months ago when I saw a Facebook post that so filled me with divine truth I was compelled to see what else you had to share! The coming up to 40 blog is as beautifully written as ever, and really resonates to me as I’m someone who has also lived their life kind of backwards, traveling the world for over twenty years before finally at 44 starting to settling down to tackle my life’s work, which also involves writing. Life in the 40’s is absolutely wonderful! The transformations and manifestations we are so practiced at become bigger and more beautiful.. The best is indeed yet to come! Bless you and your beautifully conscious journey..!

    • wow jane, i really appreciate you sharing this. thank you dearly. i’m really moved that what i expressed touched you in this way and i love that you have also experienced similar. i am honored and grateful to share this experience of life with you. many blessings and much love to you on your continued empowering journey. xoox i look forward to connecting with you more.

  4. Hi! My name is Éric…and i’m a HUGE fan of your blog and posts on facebook…I really appreciate this one…I’ll continue in French…easier for me!
    D’abord c’est très plaisant de lire au sujet de ton ”évolution””…et de voir quelques photos alors que tu étais toute petite!
    De plus, je partage la même philosophie…ca fait des années que je ne parle plus de mon âge…car je me sens mieux et je suis encore plus heureux que lorsque j’avais disons 20 ans!! De plus je me sens rajeunir…sans doute le rire et le sens de l’humour qui me garde aussi jeune!
    Et tout comme toi, moi aussi j’ai développé me sens et mes dons au fil des années…
    De toute façon je ne te donnerais jamais 40 ans…J’aurais dit: 30…
    Tu es magnifique Tania…Merci pour tout!
    Un très joyeux anniversaire et que cette journée puisse être remplie de joie, d’amour, de plaisir, de rire, de moments magiques et de gratitude!
    Love and hugs!

    • Merci beau coup Eric!! I’ll continue in English as my writing in French isn’t up to par these days. 😉 I really appreciate you taking time to share all of this. It means a lot to me and I am happy to know we share many similarities. Keep enjoying life to the fullest as you are. I know many blessings are on the way to you my friend. Lots of love, much gratitude, and big hugs!

  5. My first ever comment on your blog, and I feel so happy that it’s to comment on this beautiful, heart felt addition! I so enjoyed reading your thoughts and perspective on turning 40. I feel so blessed to share in your journey and can’t wait to see how all the magick and joy manifest from here for you! So much love and blessings my sweet friend! XOXO

    • Yay!! So happy to see you here and look forward to more sharing via our blogs. Thank you, thank you so much for your sweet words and love. Seems very appropriate and special it was on this blog you commented! Yes, it will be a fun and interesting journey to see what unfolds from here for me, as well as for you! Grateful for your friendship and support. Love and Magick to you always ❤

  6. Thank you Tania for sharing your journey…what a beautiful and magick road you have travelled! You give me courage to follow my own heart. It’s never too late, for “when the student is ready, the teacher appears”…no matter the age or time of life. Thank you for the inspiration and for being the beautiful part of my life that you are. Much love sweet friend 🙂 xoxo

    • you’re welcome catherine and i thank you for sharing this. i’m happy that it left you feeling a bit of inspiration and wanting to do what is in your lovely heart. you are so amazingly gifted and you are right, the present is your moment of power. lots of love to you and supportive energy on your journey. xoox

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