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Dancing My Way To A Rebirthing Of The Light

20151220_160109_resized_2Yesterday we celebrated the holiday season and welcoming of today’s Winter Solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere with a family gathering enjoying The Nutcracker ballet performance at Segerstrom Center for the Arts.

It was quite the production with over 100 performers, elaborate sets, and costumes.

And it was quite enjoyable – for me nostalgic and deeply triggering and healing.

20151220_153521_resized_1Our going was in large part chosen to entertain our little 3 1/2 year old niece, Violet, who is currently taking some ballet classes and has a thing for princesses, ballet dancers, and faeries.20151220_152650_resized_1.jpg

However, although unbeknownst to them, it turned out to be important for me too.

20151220_154630_resized_1We were also gifted a behind-the-scenes tour after, of the sets and costumes, as Violet’s mom is dear family friends (since she was a baby) with a woman in charge of costumes for The American Ballet Theatre productions – Hillary.20151220_153208_resized_1

So it was quite a treat all around for us kids at heart. 😉

While walking to the event from the parking lot I started recounting my own childhood growing up as a little girl dancing and singing – something done both at home and outside of the home, performing for anyone who wanted a little faery magick.

Alongside being in a choir with my brother for a church we weren’t members of, but that welcomed us to sing in nonetheless at the request of parents wanting us to experience music as they had enjoyed, I also was a little dancer.20151220_155729_resized_1

I used to take ballet lessons between the ages of 3 and 6, unfortunately ceasing when we moved from our apartment in Pasadena to our new home in Diamond Bar.

It was something I greatly loved, seriously was engaged in skillfully executing even at that young age, and ended up being really good at, always being chosen as leads, ending our daily practice routine as the principal, and yes, was cast as Clara in The Nutcracker for our performance.

I even had my own Nutcracker, which was used in that performance of mine and became my “prince” and “boyfriend” when I was a little girl – staying with me always.

I’d even give him a kiss now and then.

20151220_152959_resized_1My parents still have this Nutcracker as part of their Christmas collection that has grown quite a bit since.

I have memories of this time period and still often ask my mom why I didn’t continue with ballet when we moved.

The answers that she surmises, but can’t remember, are just that everything was new, they didn’t think of searching out a place where we lived (it had been more convenient in Pasadena), and with starting a new school, perhaps they thought it was too much for me?

I often wonder if I asked about it back then…but neither of us remember.

20151220_155303_resized_1I do know that a lot changed when we moved and what had been worn more on my sleeve as my essence, began to retreat into the background.

This taking years to diligently bring back out once again.

20151220_154535_resized_1Going to see the performance yesterday, reminded me of how I shined my light as a little girl on that stage…no inhibitions…just singing and dancing from my heart and being the little faery that I was.

I even had this little energy dance I would do for guests at our home where I would dance expressively and used my hands very close to them, as if sprinkling enchantment.

It was done with this sense of maturity of understanding, as if I was consciously with each gesture, speaking/healing through my body and intentions, although it was normal to me and what I just knew to do. There was no thought about it and creating intentions.

It was a matter of just being.

I was telling Dave about this and was curiously exploring the way things evolved, as they do for us all.

And then it happened.

I’d been enjoying the lovely performance and was swept away with the beautiful snowflake and flower ballerinas and the music that I so remembered, but nearing the end I was hit with tears that swelled inside my heart in my chest and filled my eyes to the brim.

I’d never cried at a ballet and don’t remember doing so at any musical either. Movements at the symphony have touched me before to tears, but The Nutcracker?

This is such an enchanting story and while yes, to awaken from a dream you don’t want to end may be sad, there’s nothing lost in the story, as dream and reality merge through the heart of Clara’s love and the magick continues.

It was obvious to me I’d struck a chord…a very deep one.

Especially being that there wasn’t any specific thing I could point my finger at that was happening in a way that moved me to that kind of emotion from what I was seeing.

It was what was being moved THROUGH me that was taking place.

Perhaps I’d found yet another layer of myself.

And although not one I haven’t been aware of, perhaps more connecting of dots and another deepening into it, as I can continue to peel layers and dig roots even further along the journey.

There was a sense of coming full circle, peaceful closure, a relaxing more into my essence, reclaiming the deepest aspect of myself more richly, and the reminder that nothing is truly lost, as it’s always been right there inside and awaiting.

It was fun to watch little Violet curiously asking about all of the costumes with that child like wonder. It was fun to see her dance and bow from the aisle in front of her seat, as she watched the performance.

And it really brought depth to the meaning of today’s “rebirthing of the Light” and life and spirit.

We all have the opportunity to courageously be born again like a seed of light, as we deepen in to the stillness of the dark.

There was a bitter sweetness in those healing tears yesterday, but much hope and much promise within remembering.

I can’t find the words to describe what happened…what I felt.

It just is.

And I know it was another powerful integration that, like my yellow butterfly friend (who since my earlier post this morning has now visited me a THIRD time in the RV), has freed me even more.

Does it mean I’m going to go out and become a ballerina?


Although if I wanted, of course I can go take classes again and do anything I desire and dream of.

We all can.

What it means is that what ever it is I do, the little girl within me will be dancing her heart out, as the dream is the reality I choose to live and nothing less than that.

Wishing you a liberating and enlightening Winter Solstice.

May your courage deepen and the creative impetus of transformation shine brightly within you.

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